Where do you meet people in your dreams? Is there a formal introduction? Do you simply turn around and they are there? Are they always people you seem to already know in your waking life? Or do you seem to create new stories in your mind?
Do they ever become real, or are they a projection of something already real in your life?
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He was tall, handsome in a quirky sort of way, and ultimately my dream guy. I don't know if you could call it a date, but it was our first. Of that I'm sure. I was so happy to see his complete enthusiasm and be able to share some of that with him.
Somehow we missed the initial introductions and preliminary interviews that seem to make up the mass majority of my real world dating. There was a connection. We understood a lot about each other just by looking. So there was no fact based history in a sum of his life, or mine. What we ended up sharing was our passions. If you don' know me, you should know my passion is art. But to be able to see his, and witness it, was amazing.
There were no explanations. There was only an outstretched hand and an invitation of, I would like to show you something. But that smile. There was passion of course, but also a knowing... a certainty of sorts. There was quiet confidence behind that smile that I haven't seen in the longest time.
He drove me to a building that seemed a little worse for wear. I heard the words trust me and knew I always could. So he took my hand in his, yet again, and led me toward his dream.
It was like walking into organized chaos. Kids flying left and right. No one noticed the door open right away, as if it's a normal event that happens throughout the day.
But there was a boy in the corner curled up on a simple plastic folding chair who was so intently reading a book much too large for his hands. He seemed to have no trouble keeping focus on the book as the noises of the room impacted him. But he looked up from his book only seconds after I stepped in. He looked directly at me, just observing. His eyes looked old, like there was a thousand years of experience and knowledge behind them. But they shifted. All those years fell away as he looked into the eyes of my companion. It was like the sun just started shining through a fierce storm. That warmth and brilliance that takes you by surprise, and then all you want to do is bask in the glow. It was his smile. You only needed to see his eyes to know the deepness and the love in that smile. I followed his gaze to the man standing next to me and realized that they were family. Obviously not by blood, but they were a strong family that you don't always find through blood connections.
The boy dropped the heavy book on the floor and bounced out of his chair. He yelled a name... what was that name? He yelled and sprinted at the same time. He jumped into the arms of the man who brought me there. And all eyes were on them. The room silenced only for a moment as he picked the boy up into the air. As the activity resumed, it had all changed direction toward the door.
They took me in. Trusted me as they knew he trusted me. We talked, we played, we laughed. It was endless movement and excitement. And every time I stole a glance into this man's eyes, he knew. He looked back at me and smiled softly. A content smile, as if he was where he belonged, and he knew and appreciated that. And I couldn't help smiling back in understanding, amazed that I would be chosen to share this. And every time the moment would be broken by more laughter.
I didn't need to know what the organization was to appreciate what I had seen, what I experienced. Whether or not these children had homes or parents or were just staying out of trouble... it didn't matter to the connection and the importance this man was in their lives.
Have you ever been able to seen the goodness in someone's heart by a simple action? I saw it. I saw it in them. I think it was the ability to see him through their eyes that made me fall.
But it doesn't matter how hard you fall, you still have a past that defines you. Ultimately, the heavier your past is, the easier it is to fall for someone. You have experience of the good and the bad, and you know yourself better and what you need. But the past is always complicated, and as much as it teaches you, it can also distract you. It's a fine line balancing between emotion and logic. Either one can send you spiraling off your chosen path.
It's scary to take a leap of faith. To hope that everything will work out. When you know so little about a person, as I did this man, your emotion may tell you it's worth it, but your mind tells you it's a huge risk. And your mind can be very particular in the things that it remembers, depending on what you need.
For me, this ended up taking place after I left this man's personal utopia, and ran into my ex. Mind you he was simply a character in my dream life and should not be related to any man I may have dated in my true life's past.
I was sharing some of the tail end of excitement and enthusiasm I had experienced that day with some of my close friends. I was glowing. There was nothing to bring me back down to earth and cement me into reality. That is until I walked into the elevator. I left my friends behind with a dream-like smile on my face, looking into the possibilities of my future, short and long. But the door reopened just before I thought I would be moving up.
My heart missed a beat. There he was, smirking at me. I knew his face, I knew so much behind that face. I knew him better than I could imagine anyone else knowing him on the planet. And he knew me.
He sauntered into the elevator and let the doors close behind him. He always had the right words, always knew just what to say... today was no different. And that sort of confidence in knowing the ins and outs of the conversation before it would even happen always left me at a loss.
I stumbled over my words, partly from intimidation, and partly from infatuation. That's the problem with falling in love... you never truly fall out of love. And the tricks your mind was just playing on you, saying there might be too much risk to fall for someone new, feed the new thoughts in your brain to fight the argument. And if, by some miracle, you find the strength to take the upper hand in the logical debate swimming through your mind, as I was just starting to do in the middle of our conversation... you might also find the strength to show a bit of that. The problem is, when a person knows you that well, they also know how to corrupt that strength for their own purposes.
I told him something, reminded him we were over and that it couldn't happen again. Told him I wanted to fight for something new, something with hope and promise. I reminded him of what he overheard me telling my friends. But with that argument, he saw my shift to reasoning. And he used the emotions to override.
But don't you remember? Don't you want this? He was closing in on me, the elevator not having the opportunity to interrupt since he stopped it between floors. He pulled me close with that certainty and strength of knowing exactly what he wanted. It didn't matter that what he wanted might not be what I wanted too. But how could I say no? He knew each button to press. Knew exactly how to excite me. And as my brain was shouting no, my emotions took over. I kissed him back and remembered that horrible but beautiful physical connection of our past. I was consumed by it, as he well knew I would be.
You see, even a seemingly perfect moment of something new doesn't have the power to overturn those feelings of the past. Even if this man I met in my dreams could change my life, it hadn't happened yet. I don't know if he'll ever save me, or if I need to learn how to save myself.
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After feeling such deep emotion in your dreams, how do you wake up? How do you continue? How do you learn?
